I nearly pulled off on the side of the road and threw up. Nerves for me are always worse after the fact. And last night nerves were at an all time high. It’s one thing to make your stage debut (I don’t care if technically it was only preview rehearsal… there was an audience) it’s another thing to have lost your voice but need to yell at everyone for an hour and a half and then sing three solos that we already some of the hardest music you’ve ever heard. It was admittedly not my finest work and I was sick about it. Literally.
Insecurity is the most accepted form of pride. Where as arrogance idolizes one’s strengths insecurity idolizes our weakness. It make much of our failures and flaws- too much. I have lived most of my life in this place. Doing only what I knew I was sure to succeed at. Or at least keeping my endeavors private so I wouldn’t have to face my horrendous fear of expectation.
God is jealous. He not only frees us from the punishment of sin but from the hold sin has on our hearts. I never dreamed, that when I said “yes” to this play that I was actually saying “yes” to His purging work in my life. And I never dreamed that the one of the greatest sins I would deal with in my life was insecurity. But here I am. My voice is pretty darn raw and it’s opening weekend. I don’t have a strong rehearsal under my belt to buffer my self-esteem and it appears my children have no intention on giving me a nap today.
So… I’m closing my “I”s.
I’m saying no to all the thoughts that say I am not good enough. I can’t do this. I don’t have enough experience. I’m going to mess up. I can’t handle this. I will let people down. I was a poor choice.
And I’m opening new “I”s to say: I am going to have fun. I am going to do my best. I’m going to get through this. I’m going to let go of what I can’t control. I’m going to focus on what I’m good at. I’m going to feed off the successes of those around me. I’m going to believe the best.
Aside from tea and voice rest I have little power over how fast I heal. I know my Father is the healer and if He so chooses I could walk onto that stage with the best voice I’ve had in fifteen years. I would really love that and I know many of my friends and family are praying as such. But my sister said something only a sister can say “It’s not beneath God to use this to help you get over your stronghold of expectations…”
So, tonight I give it all I’ve got. And the chips fall. But there’s no guarantees and there’s no out. Just faith and letting go. I am open to what this journey holds.
Father, by Your precious grace… You are my Ebeneezer- thus far the LORD has carried me. And so I call you by name— You are the I AM… not me. You are good. You are perfect. You are the master story teller, the song-writer, the scene setter. You are beautiful and triumphant in all you do. I look to you. I ask for your hand to steady me and keep my eyes fixed on higher things. For those who, like me, struggle to see past their weakness, would you show them the way of faith. Would you teach us to walk joyfully in that truth that you use ALL things for our good. You have called us. You have chosen us and not a stitch in the hem of our being is unseen from your eye. May we each walk boldly as you have created and provisioned us to and may we not shrink back when the path is not a certain as we hoped. You hold our hand whether we stand or fall and that is enough. Thank you for this precious gift and opportunity you’ve given me. Be glorified in my heart and deeds. Amen.