Preparation and Hiddeness

So, there I am, in a room with some really good sopranos and a bunch of people who’ve done quite a bit more acting than I have and I’m pretty sure the only thing I have on them is stretch marks. As it turns out, I’ve spent the last eight years having babies. This is the first thing (job, hobby, good old fashioned girl time) that I’ve done apart from my children in nearly a decade.

From the time I was little I lived on a stage. Well, not in truth. Just in my mind. I would line up my siblings, line up myself, and on went the show. Everyone in my family has a measure of theatricality and music runs deep. I didn’t get those traits in equal proportion. Drama is innate enough but the vocals, well, they had to be patient with me. Still, I’ve found my own way.

(Why is the relevant to non-theatrically inclined, not stay-at-homesteader, fellow humans?)  

Because we all have dreams.

A decade ago, that room tonight would have chewed me up and spit me out emotionally. Every note I couldn’t hit (why do they make a staff if the notes are going to go off it anyway), every girl who was skinnier, and every time I had to ask that man to play my part one more time because my ear’s a little slow on the draw, would have sent me into a tailspin of self-doubt and self hatred.

Or worse… I would have done great and I would have needed it. Needed to be seen, to be on the stage, to be heard. I would have needed to be the best and it would have never been enough. I would still have felt alone, insecure, and isolated in my own mind. But I have a Father who loves me so much that he not only holds my childhood dreams but he doesn’t give them to me when they would hurt me.

Many of my dreams have been “not yet’s”  these past years. This small realization of one is showing me how much He’s been using this time to prepare me for them. There’s so much talk about losing yourself when you have kids. Truly, the hiddeness that comes with being a mom is excruciating at times.  But what about finding yourself. What about reading books in silly voices, and imagining, and telling your kids that you believe in them so much that you have to start believing it about yourself. Sometimes hiddeness is the only place to forge a truer version of yourself. 

So, I don’t know where you are. Maybe hidden behind a desk somewhere. And I don’t know where you want to be. I imagine if it’s anything worth while your road will be riddled with conflict and discouragement. But this I will say. Keep the faith. Over-come. Trust the Father’s goodness though it so often seems shrouded in dark. Dream more. Rest in where you are now. And when the audition comes, show up and give it all you got. 

Stay confident in His will an ability to work in and through your life. Mostly remembers that He actually enjoys you. He doesn’t need you. Not your gifts, not your ideas, not your will-power. But He still delights in you. Find what you were created to do and do it with your whole heart. It may take some time for that to happen and that’s okay. Speed is usually not as important as we like to fancy it. 

Praying God’s peace and constant assurance to you in all things. May you see Him as He is and reflected there, come to realize that you too are a glorious masterpiece. Amen.  

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