The icy waters of risk and reward swallow me up. I’m a little afraid and a lot alive. It’s just another digital saga, in a world of digital sagas and I’m half a decade late. Still, with this post, I have become a blogger and though I find the status less than endearing it is a place to begin.
To loose that first thread in the fearless web of words. The world goes silent. The girl who’s mind races with essays all the sweet day long, presented with an audience, now finds herself dumb. What do I say? Will people actually read this? What if I fail? Can you “fail” a blog?
Things that matter most in my life are hauntingly ambiguous. Living a life of faith, parenting with wisdom, or being a good friend: these things come with no parameters. How I yearn for the simple validating confirmation that I’ve done it right. Like the e-mail you get when you’ve paid your bills. But alas, the majority of my life is improvisation, obedience and hope in the face of the immeasurable. I never get it all “right”.
We yearn so desperately for that thing that will validate us. We want to arrive. But we are not designed for an end. We are, intrinsically nomadic. Some of us on a journey to find truth. Some of us on a journey because we found truth. Some of us wandering because we’ve lost our way. Life is a process: ambiguous and splendid. Its terrifying unknowns and sweet secrets pull up our inner man. We hang on and find we are clutching the air. We let go and find our hearts full of riches. Seasons pass and work to keep our gaze upward and our hearts soft. Then in flash, in a rare time-picture, we catch a glimpse of ourselves…
Without any paper merits or public ceremony to tell us so we find that we are wiser, kinder and more humble than we once were. We have become more. In truth, I would still like that e-mail confirmation telling me that I did a great job encouraging my husband. Or maybe an offer for publication so I can consider myself a writer. Today I’m not likely to get either but I did write my first blog.
I hope that I am more for the process.